A Rigourous Search to Know Myself, and then Happiness

There I was, in the middle of some book store, listening to someone talk about a guy who wrote a book on meditation. I was getting antsy, and having a difficult time focusing, when I looked to my left, and saw a stack of books, glanced at it, and then tried to refocus on the speaker; needless to say, I had the book in my hands fifteen seconds later, scanning the pages of someone else's "Happiness Project." This really perked my attention, because I was at this particular meditation discusssion, because I have been searching for something, anything to pull me out of the water I have been drowning in. Sure, I always stay afloat, but it was getting more difficult to keep the motivation to keep swimming on the wavy end of the pool. Alas, there I was listening to a speaker, contemplating my own religious switch because I was surrounded by a million brass Buddhas starring at me from almost every shelf in the book store, thinking, maybe the guy with the cute belly really had something, maybe I just needed to find out what he was saying, "the right religion" for me. Then, for the first time, I imagined getting slapped in the face, and someone yelling, "How about you learn to think for yourself, instead of having someone else do it for you." It was incredibly annoyed at myself for not taking control of what I wanted for myself sooner than this. Once the disscussion was over, I slipped to the register, and said, "I would like to buy this book." The register attendant began to reach for this book on meditation, the reason I was supposed to be there in the first place, and I softly said, "Not that book, this book," sliding her this self-help book in an almost embarrassed way. I think she thought I was a little odd, but I was exhilarated, maybe self-help books really have something to them, and let's face, I could use all the self-help I can get.

It is a few nights later, from the aforementioned experience, and I finally cozied up on my couch, and started to read, and realized this is just someone else's search for happiness, and for the most part happy, but she too, was searching for something, and she had apparently found "something." She explained a process she used in understanding her desire for seeking more happiness, and seemed it seemed this was going to be a journey where she got to know herself more.  And I realized, this is as good a time as any to get to know myself a little better. As I was reading, I kept thinking, "When was the last time I sat down, and asked myself what I want out of life?" I even have this silly post-it note on my computer, asking me this exact question, but was somehow covered up by a list of things I needed to get done for the day. It seems I get so caught up in what is happening today, what will I eat, what will I do tonight, what can I do today to numb my sense of longing? It appeared I have been avoiding this question for sometime, because I have been to weak to do anything about it. So, I have started thinking about my current situation, and my countenance immediately began to shrivel up and die. Yes, I live on my own, I drive a nice car, I have an education, and I even rescued a really adorable dog, thinking this will solve any struggle of being alone in "my own place" I may have. I am happy, currently unemployed, but rightly so, I was working for a place that was sucking my soul, and I finally maned up and took care of myself. Although, I would not recommend quitting a job without having something already in mind. I sort of do, I am trying to start my own photography business, but I feel like I have been saying that for years. "I am trying to start..." blah, blah, blah. I have been so scared of failing I totally forgot what this book reminded me of tonight, "If you are not failing, you are not trying." I sit in front of this computer, scared out of my wits, to do something that may evoke some kind of change, change for the better, or change for the worse. They honestly both freak me out, and that is a problem, because change is sort of part of this living thing we are doing. I feel as though I am either over-thinking, or under-thinking most of the things I do; struggling with any kind of balance between the two. It makes, making any kind of decision extremely difficult, and dreadful. However, from a state of panic in making whatever the decision is, I will eventually calm down, at least for a moment, before I start over-thinking the under-thought action I just made. It is silly really, but a serious problem for me, and prevents me from making any kind of progressive decisions, or at least puts them on hold. This is probably my first step, to manning up, and owning myself. I must take control, and calm down, so I can enjoy whatever the decision is I just made. This will be my first area of interest to tackle about making myself a little happier each day. Another is to develop better sleeping habits, and it is actually sort of late, so I will continue on the morrow.