this made me sooo happy today

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he said, "in a small town like this, there's not much else to do but think."

I remember sitting with mason and gibby, and we talked for a really long time. They were there for me when that boy kissed me and ran. I was so mad about that, because it seemed to be happening to many times. It is just how people are though, I am that way too. I have had it done to me, and I have done it to other people. But, we just talked, and it felt so good to talk about so many things we needed to talk about. We planned on making documentaries, and make a difference somewhere, to someone, to ourselves.

We were standing on the beach, my wet suit still half way on, we had tried to surf for a few hours, and I know how my body gets when it is on a board, it just feels right. I stood there, tanned from the sun, with sea salt drying on my skin, and that is one of my favorite feelings in the world, my skin felt so good. Ray let me try their salt and vinegar chips, and I just kept eating. It was one of the best sensations on my tongue I had felt in a really long time. I just kept going, and they let me keep going, and I ate their whole bag. Danny and I stood and watched the others surf, and it was cold. My feet where freezing, and he said lets take a run, and it felt so good to run. My body had not ran in such a long time, and then my mind started thinking about things, which I had not let it do in such a long time, and for the first time it did not feel so scared to think anymore. I was untouchable. One of my favorite moments in a really long time. A really long time. A really long time. A really long time.

I was waiting on campus, and I laid down, just as a starfish would. I listened to Rogue Wave's- Eyes five or six times in a row and I sang out loud to my i-pod with my eyes shut, letting the sun just be with me. I felt so calm.

I listened to Bon Iver for the first time this summer, live. His voice matched my soul, and I just closed my eyes and felt like I was in the right place at the right time, which had not happened for a very long time before this. I just listened, and felt. I knew he would not be there to spoil it for me, and my body was not tense because it knew this, it felt nice to know that.

He kissed me, and his jaw was so strong, it felt good to kiss him back. His hands cradled the back of my head, and slid to my cheek, as if they knew just what to do. We kissed, and then I said, we should stop because my mind had finally caught up to me. He stopped, and he did not push it. He said, "do you not trust yourself?" All I could do was sigh. I had already learned the answer to that question. But, he just stopped, and It was nice to trust someone else instead of myself, and for the first time in a long time myself discovered that it can trust itself. It feels so good to trust yourself when you have not been able to trust yourself in a really long time.

When I dance in the room we are meant to dance in, there are sky lights where the sun shines through and warms the floor. When I dance with my eyes closed, my body just wants to be there, contact with the sun, playing with the warmth. It calms me, and if feels so good to be calmed when you have not been calm in a really long time.

i wish i could remember this thing I said about blowing bubbles, I cannot even remember if it was bubble gum or bubble, bubbles.  but, i blew bubbles the other day, and it always makes me feel like a child when i do. it feels nice to feel like that, when you have the weight a grown-up carries. He said, "we owe it to the universe to discover truth." It feels good to already know the truth, but i remembered you have to keep discovering that truth. I think that is a little scary sometimes. i am scared to think for myself, but i think I am strong enough.

Trent told them we were students at BYU-Idaho and it make me laugh so hard that he said that to the people we were running from. We tried to sleep in the lodge without getting caught, but we got caught. We had to leave, so we did. It forced us outside, into the cold. We started a fire and we roasted things, and laughed, and knew "that boy" was Seth. I will never forget that, and it feels good to never forget. Then, we had to sleep, so we laid our heads down and saw a million shooting stars that night. I was cold for a long time, but then I was warm. We long boarded the next morning and it made so much sense. I love hearing my gloves clap together as I ride, I loved watching the boys ride together, that was always my favorite. We trusted one another, and it felt good to trust people when I rode.

there is this girl who is eating a green apple in my room, who will care about this girl?

Help-Portrait

We are bringing this project to Salt Lake City this year. December 12, 2009. Let me know if you are interested in helping in any way. 



This video is more of a documentation of the project and feedback from people it effected. This is a beautiful opportunity.




Thank, Jo

Random man: What is your nationality?
Me: Caucasian?
(random man laughs)
Me: I guess I have English and some Swedish in me as well
(random man laughs)
Random man: What is your boyfriend?
Aaron: white as white
Random man: you are a lucky man, you are one lucky man
(Aaron and i both exchange glances)
Aaron: Dude, you are right
Random "dude":You never call another man dude. Dude? My name is Cliff
You are so lucky. she is sexy. You need to tell her she is sexy everyday!

she asked him for a bike lock for her bike. He brought it, and she never saw him. She did not call him. She walked to glass. She did not think to call. She thought if she just would have picked up three pieces of trash, maybe she would have seen him, but it was to late for that. I was to late for a lot of things. She wanted to call him, but she had nothing to say and he had nothing to say. So she did not call and that took strength to not call him. He is happier now and she knows that. She is sad because he is happy and she is not. She misses him, but just him being there with her, none of the other stuff. She does miss his laughter though, that was her favorite. They actually laughed together sometimes too. One day they laughed when it was cold out and their teeth got really cold from being exposed to the air for to long and it burned a little when they closed their mouths and the heat from their own mouths wrapped around their cold teeth. It was a nice moment though, and it made them laugh again because they felt silly. I feel happy right now though, remembering a nice moment is important to me. This means they did exist. This means she is getting better. I think the girl is getting better. I think boy is doing some great things for himself. This girl is proud of boy.

what I was thinking monday morning November 2nd, 2009.

I feel so sad. I do not want to face the world today. I know the sunshine will make me happier, but i still have to anticipate the sad when the sun goes down. I just wake up with this sinking in my chest, and I feel so sad. I try to make my bed, and I just do not want to anymore, I know I have to just wake up and make it again tomorrow and it hurts to know that, tomorrow will be the same thing, it does not seem like it is getting much better, it feels worse than before. I wasted so much time not being loved, and that is a sad thing. I do not know what will make me happy.

I could go to class on time
I could wake up earlier
I could make my bed earlier
I could get rid of clutter (but then I feel so empty, empty space feels empty)
Then I work so hard to fill it with whatever I can find, and most of the things I find will not really make me happy.
I could photograph
I could run
I could scream
I could skip everywhere I go
I could torture myself more
I could pretend it is all okay (I am just so bad at faking, at pretending)
My eyes are just so sad all the time
my heart breaks every morning when I wake up and have to remember what my life is
I try so hard.
I am just so tired and I have not even tried for very long
I have felt so much pain in the last two years, maybe I am just weak.
I put myself through all of this, I could not do what was best for myself.
That makes me sad.
I was not strong enough to stop it. I could have.
It is over now.
I have to wake up.
I will be okay.
I will greet the morning with a smile.
I will get out of bed. I will make my bed.
I will read my scriptures.
I will say my prayers.
I will go to class.
I will focus on my work.
I will create beautiful and satisfying things.
I will create fulfilling things. Art.
I will create for myself until it stops hurting.
I will push through all of this because I can.
I can stop this.
I will stop this.
I will be happy again.
I am happy again.
I love to love.
I should love to live.
This will all be in the past soon. And I will be in the past soon.
I am not sad anymore.
I am happy again.
I am happy.
Happy.