broken

this hurts. it hurts really bad. it finally sunk in today, and i feel so broken inside and so broken outside. My soul has already wanted to scream, it already wanted to deny and float along as if nothing had happened, as if there were no change... but that was awhile ago and there was a calm before my storm. Today, it was different though, and it finally hit me, and I finally remembered, remembered everything, every smile, every sigh, every touch, every look, every everything and it hurts so much right now. I allowed myself to dream, to hope, and that makes it hurt even more. I keep telling myself I am strong, that this minute will be over soon, the next hour will be behind me, and I will have made it through another day, and they told me if I could make it through the day that it was strength, so I told myself I was strong. But, I wasn't, because I merely distracted myself, I let myself drift, refusing any reality, and I did it the next day, and the day after that, and perhaps the day after that, and then I felt myself screaming inside. It was swimming through my veins and I remembered how it had entered through my eyes, through my ears, through my nostrils, absorbed through my palms, and porous skin, silently ambushing my heart. I finally felt it all pushing toward the surface, as any body would react to a poison, and it hurts today. I had even tried to talk myself into letting this happen simply for the idea of actually "living" the way you would see someone living in a sensitive moment of a muted film still before the symphony of misery wraps their souls in a blanket of euphoric drama. I ask myself now, when does it stop hurting, when do we see the irony, when do I get that bitter-sweet moment of comic relief, a small sense of satisfaction for this sacrificial, self-destructive Hollywood moment? Everyone was telling me, "A good heartbreak is healthy," and now I can have this important life experience, making me stronger for the future I suppose. But, what if it was all in vain, what if my head is so filled with with garbage from everything around me to even recognize when I have something good, something great, standing right in front of me? What if I cannot even trust myself? That is a terrifying thought, the thought I may not even have my best interest at heart? I guess we are all at risk when we believe we have to live like that, live up to masterly-crafted expectations because we risk losing ourselves in this case. I guess this is all part of the process, the process I have heard so many people talk about, and suddenly I realize my feeling of being alone is felt by everyone, and we are all in this together, this act of living. My heart was broken yesterday, is broken today, broken tomorrow, and quite possibly the day after that, but it is healing, and I hear these things take time.

love, jo.