I feel so sad. I do not want to face the world today. I know the sunshine will make me happier, but i still have to anticipate the sad when the sun goes down. I just wake up with this sinking in my chest, and I feel so sad. I try to make my bed, and I just do not want to anymore, I know I have to just wake up and make it again tomorrow and it hurts to know that, tomorrow will be the same thing, it does not seem like it is getting much better, it feels worse than before. I wasted so much time not being loved, and that is a sad thing. I do not know what will make me happy.
I could go to class on time
I could wake up earlier
I could make my bed earlier
I could get rid of clutter (but then I feel so empty, empty space feels empty)
Then I work so hard to fill it with whatever I can find, and most of the things I find will not really make me happy.
I could photograph
I could run
I could scream
I could skip everywhere I go
I could torture myself more
I could pretend it is all okay (I am just so bad at faking, at pretending)
My eyes are just so sad all the time
my heart breaks every morning when I wake up and have to remember what my life is
I try so hard.
I am just so tired and I have not even tried for very long
I have felt so much pain in the last two years, maybe I am just weak.
I put myself through all of this, I could not do what was best for myself.
That makes me sad.
I was not strong enough to stop it. I could have.
It is over now.
I have to wake up.
I will be okay.
I will greet the morning with a smile.
I will get out of bed. I will make my bed.
I will read my scriptures.
I will say my prayers.
I will go to class.
I will focus on my work.
I will create beautiful and satisfying things.
I will create fulfilling things. Art.
I will create for myself until it stops hurting.
I will push through all of this because I can.
I can stop this.
I will stop this.
I will be happy again.
I am happy again.
I love to love.
I should love to live.
This will all be in the past soon. And I will be in the past soon.
I am not sad anymore.
I am happy again.
I am happy.
Happy.
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3 comments:
I hope I can help in the process of making you happy jo, instead of contributing to the sadness. love ya
You're beautifully human. I love you very much.
wow. how could it be better said.
"you're beautifully human"
how simplistic and perfect are those words alone.
jo. you're beautiful. and i love you.
and i don't have your phone number but i'd like to. haha.
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