Random man: What is your nationality?
Me: Caucasian?
(random man laughs)
Me: I guess I have English and some Swedish in me as well
(random man laughs)
Random man: What is your boyfriend?
Aaron: white as white
Random man: you are a lucky man, you are one lucky man
(Aaron and i both exchange glances)
Aaron: Dude, you are right
Random "dude":You never call another man dude. Dude? My name is Cliff
You are so lucky. she is sexy. You need to tell her she is sexy everyday!

she asked him for a bike lock for her bike. He brought it, and she never saw him. She did not call him. She walked to glass. She did not think to call. She thought if she just would have picked up three pieces of trash, maybe she would have seen him, but it was to late for that. I was to late for a lot of things. She wanted to call him, but she had nothing to say and he had nothing to say. So she did not call and that took strength to not call him. He is happier now and she knows that. She is sad because he is happy and she is not. She misses him, but just him being there with her, none of the other stuff. She does miss his laughter though, that was her favorite. They actually laughed together sometimes too. One day they laughed when it was cold out and their teeth got really cold from being exposed to the air for to long and it burned a little when they closed their mouths and the heat from their own mouths wrapped around their cold teeth. It was a nice moment though, and it made them laugh again because they felt silly. I feel happy right now though, remembering a nice moment is important to me. This means they did exist. This means she is getting better. I think the girl is getting better. I think boy is doing some great things for himself. This girl is proud of boy.

what I was thinking monday morning November 2nd, 2009.

I feel so sad. I do not want to face the world today. I know the sunshine will make me happier, but i still have to anticipate the sad when the sun goes down. I just wake up with this sinking in my chest, and I feel so sad. I try to make my bed, and I just do not want to anymore, I know I have to just wake up and make it again tomorrow and it hurts to know that, tomorrow will be the same thing, it does not seem like it is getting much better, it feels worse than before. I wasted so much time not being loved, and that is a sad thing. I do not know what will make me happy.

I could go to class on time
I could wake up earlier
I could make my bed earlier
I could get rid of clutter (but then I feel so empty, empty space feels empty)
Then I work so hard to fill it with whatever I can find, and most of the things I find will not really make me happy.
I could photograph
I could run
I could scream
I could skip everywhere I go
I could torture myself more
I could pretend it is all okay (I am just so bad at faking, at pretending)
My eyes are just so sad all the time
my heart breaks every morning when I wake up and have to remember what my life is
I try so hard.
I am just so tired and I have not even tried for very long
I have felt so much pain in the last two years, maybe I am just weak.
I put myself through all of this, I could not do what was best for myself.
That makes me sad.
I was not strong enough to stop it. I could have.
It is over now.
I have to wake up.
I will be okay.
I will greet the morning with a smile.
I will get out of bed. I will make my bed.
I will read my scriptures.
I will say my prayers.
I will go to class.
I will focus on my work.
I will create beautiful and satisfying things.
I will create fulfilling things. Art.
I will create for myself until it stops hurting.
I will push through all of this because I can.
I can stop this.
I will stop this.
I will be happy again.
I am happy again.
I love to love.
I should love to live.
This will all be in the past soon. And I will be in the past soon.
I am not sad anymore.
I am happy again.
I am happy.
Happy.

where the wild things are

"Let the wild rumpus start!"

It was delightful, and scary sometimes.
The dialogue was pure and raw and unsettling.

I liked it in a nontraditional liking kind of way.

this is great

i feel like i have been in a big hug all day. it feels really nice and i feel really calm. peaceful.

oh, those smurfs

Candid, natural reactions if a smurf were proposing to us.

box

She gave me a small cardboard box, one I could easily wrap my arms around, and her room smelled of an exhausted chaos. Her tired eyes averted the box as she handed it to me, and I knew this was painful for her, painful enough I could feel the weight of the box as I took it from her fragile arms. It suddenly made sense, everything he ever gave her, the little things that nipped at her heart, splashing memories around her mind where she did not want them anymore. She would have packed away everything she saw him in had there been a large enough box; yet, here was a box a young child could carry and feel they had contributed in some way. I needed to put it someplace, a place I never had to see it either, and I prayed I would never have to pack my own cardboard box for someone else to take from me someday.

Shoot the Tube

There is a place where peeps do what they call "shooting the tube." It is a tube used for water flowage under the freeway. People block off the water and ride down it like a water slide when the water is released. My first time doing it was at night, and it felt like traveling through space because people had splattered the walls with glow stick paint. During the afternoon was great, and much faster because we had better boards to block more water. Loved it!

And mostly this just means Rachelle loves us... and how!