what I was thinking monday morning November 2nd, 2009.

I feel so sad. I do not want to face the world today. I know the sunshine will make me happier, but i still have to anticipate the sad when the sun goes down. I just wake up with this sinking in my chest, and I feel so sad. I try to make my bed, and I just do not want to anymore, I know I have to just wake up and make it again tomorrow and it hurts to know that, tomorrow will be the same thing, it does not seem like it is getting much better, it feels worse than before. I wasted so much time not being loved, and that is a sad thing. I do not know what will make me happy.

I could go to class on time
I could wake up earlier
I could make my bed earlier
I could get rid of clutter (but then I feel so empty, empty space feels empty)
Then I work so hard to fill it with whatever I can find, and most of the things I find will not really make me happy.
I could photograph
I could run
I could scream
I could skip everywhere I go
I could torture myself more
I could pretend it is all okay (I am just so bad at faking, at pretending)
My eyes are just so sad all the time
my heart breaks every morning when I wake up and have to remember what my life is
I try so hard.
I am just so tired and I have not even tried for very long
I have felt so much pain in the last two years, maybe I am just weak.
I put myself through all of this, I could not do what was best for myself.
That makes me sad.
I was not strong enough to stop it. I could have.
It is over now.
I have to wake up.
I will be okay.
I will greet the morning with a smile.
I will get out of bed. I will make my bed.
I will read my scriptures.
I will say my prayers.
I will go to class.
I will focus on my work.
I will create beautiful and satisfying things.
I will create fulfilling things. Art.
I will create for myself until it stops hurting.
I will push through all of this because I can.
I can stop this.
I will stop this.
I will be happy again.
I am happy again.
I love to love.
I should love to live.
This will all be in the past soon. And I will be in the past soon.
I am not sad anymore.
I am happy again.
I am happy.
Happy.

where the wild things are

"Let the wild rumpus start!"

It was delightful, and scary sometimes.
The dialogue was pure and raw and unsettling.

I liked it in a nontraditional liking kind of way.

this is great

i feel like i have been in a big hug all day. it feels really nice and i feel really calm. peaceful.

oh, those smurfs

Candid, natural reactions if a smurf were proposing to us.

box

She gave me a small cardboard box, one I could easily wrap my arms around, and her room smelled of an exhausted chaos. Her tired eyes averted the box as she handed it to me, and I knew this was painful for her, painful enough I could feel the weight of the box as I took it from her fragile arms. It suddenly made sense, everything he ever gave her, the little things that nipped at her heart, splashing memories around her mind where she did not want them anymore. She would have packed away everything she saw him in had there been a large enough box; yet, here was a box a young child could carry and feel they had contributed in some way. I needed to put it someplace, a place I never had to see it either, and I prayed I would never have to pack my own cardboard box for someone else to take from me someday.

Shoot the Tube

There is a place where peeps do what they call "shooting the tube." It is a tube used for water flowage under the freeway. People block off the water and ride down it like a water slide when the water is released. My first time doing it was at night, and it felt like traveling through space because people had splattered the walls with glow stick paint. During the afternoon was great, and much faster because we had better boards to block more water. Loved it!

And mostly this just means Rachelle loves us... and how!

Some things I was thinking

We spend half of our lives trying to define ourselves, and the other half trying to live up to what we defined ourselves as, when in the end we could have had a full life just living. I am not saying do not examine your life, but definitions can set boundaries and limit us from achieving our full potential, and to reach something never before obtained, we have to do extraordinary things. I believe in a moral code, and that the content of our character is an impetus of how we approach life. I do not believe we are solely defined by what we do, but how we choose to do it. I am just saying Carpe that Diem sometimes, and if you make a mistake, make it the best mistake you have ever made. In the end you are your biggest inhibitor, as well as your biggest motivator.

I Woke Up

I woke up the sunlight softly streaming down my avocado walls, and today was a new day. There has been a lot of change lately, and this change feels good, but scary at times too. I have been thinking something to myself a lot lately, and today I thought my thoughts out loud after we finished slack lining, and perhaps during a moment where my thoughts made no sense to be spoken, but I said something to this effect, "we get to be who we are, and why would we ever limit ourselves." As I continue with the photography program more and more people want to know what kind of a photographer I am, and I think I just want to do it all, this way I do not feel limited in my options to live and do what feels right for myself. And then Nelson shard something he had heard by some very inspired people "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." This was beautiful to me and I truly know I have such a potential to succeed, but getting there is scary because it often requires sacrifice, and sacrificing something you care so dearly about, it is a hard thing to do, and I pray for Courage everyday. But life is beautiful, and it is a beautiful life, and I am ready to have the light wake my avocado walls again tomorrow, where I may drop my knees to the floor and receive the courage I need to do all of this.

I get to choose what I want to become, but I will not limit myself by saying something like, "That is not something I have done before, and it seems unlike me, so I will not do it." I am just going to go about living and doing what seems right in the moment, and there are great people around me so this couldn't be half bad.