There I was, in the middle of some book store, listening to someone talk about a guy who wrote a book on meditation. I was getting antsy, and having a difficult time focusing, when I looked to my left, and saw a stack of books, glanced at it, and then tried to refocus on the speaker; needless to say, I had the book in my hands fifteen seconds later, scanning the pages of someone else's "Happiness Project." This really perked my attention, because I was at this particular meditation discusssion, because I have been searching for something, anything to pull me out of the water I have been drowning in. Sure, I always stay afloat, but it was getting more difficult to keep the motivation to keep swimming on the wavy end of the pool. Alas, there I was listening to a speaker, contemplating my own religious switch because I was surrounded by a million brass Buddhas starring at me from almost every shelf in the book store, thinking, maybe the guy with the cute belly really had something, maybe I just needed to find out what he was saying, "the right religion" for me. Then, for the first time, I imagined getting slapped in the face, and someone yelling, "How about you learn to think for yourself, instead of having someone else do it for you." It was incredibly annoyed at myself for not taking control of what I wanted for myself sooner than this. Once the disscussion was over, I slipped to the register, and said, "I would like to buy this book." The register attendant began to reach for this book on meditation, the reason I was supposed to be there in the first place, and I softly said, "Not that book, this book," sliding her this self-help book in an almost embarrassed way. I think she thought I was a little odd, but I was exhilarated, maybe self-help books really have something to them, and let's face, I could use all the self-help I can get.
It is a few nights later, from the aforementioned experience, and I finally cozied up on my couch, and started to read, and realized this is just someone else's search for happiness, and for the most part happy, but she too, was searching for something, and she had apparently found "something." She explained a process she used in understanding her desire for seeking more happiness, and seemed it seemed this was going to be a journey where she got to know herself more. And I realized, this is as good a time as any to get to know myself a little better. As I was reading, I kept thinking, "When was the last time I sat down, and asked myself what I want out of life?" I even have this silly post-it note on my computer, asking me this exact question, but was somehow covered up by a list of things I needed to get done for the day. It seems I get so caught up in what is happening today, what will I eat, what will I do tonight, what can I do today to numb my sense of longing? It appeared I have been avoiding this question for sometime, because I have been to weak to do anything about it. So, I have started thinking about my current situation, and my countenance immediately began to shrivel up and die. Yes, I live on my own, I drive a nice car, I have an education, and I even rescued a really adorable dog, thinking this will solve any struggle of being alone in "my own place" I may have. I am happy, currently unemployed, but rightly so, I was working for a place that was sucking my soul, and I finally maned up and took care of myself. Although, I would not recommend quitting a job without having something already in mind. I sort of do, I am trying to start my own photography business, but I feel like I have been saying that for years. "I am trying to start..." blah, blah, blah. I have been so scared of failing I totally forgot what this book reminded me of tonight, "If you are not failing, you are not trying." I sit in front of this computer, scared out of my wits, to do something that may evoke some kind of change, change for the better, or change for the worse. They honestly both freak me out, and that is a problem, because change is sort of part of this living thing we are doing. I feel as though I am either over-thinking, or under-thinking most of the things I do; struggling with any kind of balance between the two. It makes, making any kind of decision extremely difficult, and dreadful. However, from a state of panic in making whatever the decision is, I will eventually calm down, at least for a moment, before I start over-thinking the under-thought action I just made. It is silly really, but a serious problem for me, and prevents me from making any kind of progressive decisions, or at least puts them on hold. This is probably my first step, to manning up, and owning myself. I must take control, and calm down, so I can enjoy whatever the decision is I just made. This will be my first area of interest to tackle about making myself a little happier each day. Another is to develop better sleeping habits, and it is actually sort of late, so I will continue on the morrow.
11.03.2011
my visit with my grandfather
Evening Loves,
Unfortunately, I have had the crummy sickness this past week, and have spent most of my time, on my back, starring at my ceiling because if I moved ever so slightly things may stir that I do not want stirring. Very boring, but finally made it to my parents house where my mother has been hell bent on getting me better, and thankfully so. Truthfully, being sick is for the birds, and even I do not wish that one them, poor little creatures. Today, I was able to slowly wander over to my grandfather's house where I was at least able to lounge on a different couch, and it has been my favorite couch to date; honestly, being at my grandparents is what I would imagine being on a warm fuzzy cloud where someone feeds you honey in small nectar like drops (I have a strange obsession with honey these last few months for some reason) would be like. My grandfather gingerly sat on the couch perpendicular to mine and we started to shoot the breeze, and he started to tell me some really fantastic war and childhood stories.
He told me about Royal, my Grandfather's uncle, who was actually only three years older than him. They did everything together. They were partners in crime and apparently Royal could train a horse or a dog to do just about anything. Royal trained his horse to do just what Royal trained him to do, and if you did not know the horse you would have no way of knowing these commands. For instance, a new rider tried to get this little horse to cross the river and if you gave him his head to drink, he would just lay down right in the river. The poor rider would be soaked! If you went to call the horse from the carrel, it would trot to the far end and play the "i will not come anywhere near you game" all day, until you picked up a club and threatened to beat it. Then, this being proper signal, a sign of being beat, it would know it could trust the caller. Grandpa sort of inherited this little horse when Royal went to War during World War II. He was lost in a field battle, and Grandpa found out one of his closest friends and family members was killed in action while he was in boot camp. It was a hard memory for him, but he spoke so proudly of his days with Royal, and all the trouble they could get into.
Grandpa told me about his first few dogs, one he raised from a pup, but he could not have in the house because his mother wouldn't let him. The pup had to stay in the barn. The dog was hit by a car and Grandpa had to try and save him, and due to complications, the pup could not make it so Grandpa Llyod had to take care of the pup because Grandpa did not have the heart. They never spoke of it after.
His next dog, really followed commands, and was proving to be a great cattle dog. His Uncle wanted to take Grandpa's new dog on the cattle drive and grandpa let him. The poor pup was cornered by a cow and she trampled him. They returned to camp with out his dog, and Ray (my grandpa) and Grandpa Lloyd (great grandfather) had to go out looking for him. They found him pretty beat up, and he was never the same, mostly scared of cattle after that incident. Grandpa would never let his uncle take his dogs out again.
I would be so sad if something happened to my pup. Banks certainly is not the working type, and he would be terrified at the first sight of a bull I bet, or he would be overly friendly and try to lick the bulls face and then we have more problems then necessary.
Banks is my first dog, and he is just lounging by the fire as I blog about some life things. He just wants to snuggle these days, have a good meal everyday, and would love with all his heart to chase the dear right outside the windows of my parents place. He did take off after them the other day and we didn't see him for at least 15 minutes. He just came trotting back to the house like a winning pony.
Twas a truly good time on the couch at Grandpa's today. He is such a wonderful man, I am so lucky to have him as my grandfather still to this day! I love love love him!!
- love Jo
Unfortunately, I have had the crummy sickness this past week, and have spent most of my time, on my back, starring at my ceiling because if I moved ever so slightly things may stir that I do not want stirring. Very boring, but finally made it to my parents house where my mother has been hell bent on getting me better, and thankfully so. Truthfully, being sick is for the birds, and even I do not wish that one them, poor little creatures. Today, I was able to slowly wander over to my grandfather's house where I was at least able to lounge on a different couch, and it has been my favorite couch to date; honestly, being at my grandparents is what I would imagine being on a warm fuzzy cloud where someone feeds you honey in small nectar like drops (I have a strange obsession with honey these last few months for some reason) would be like. My grandfather gingerly sat on the couch perpendicular to mine and we started to shoot the breeze, and he started to tell me some really fantastic war and childhood stories.
He told me about Royal, my Grandfather's uncle, who was actually only three years older than him. They did everything together. They were partners in crime and apparently Royal could train a horse or a dog to do just about anything. Royal trained his horse to do just what Royal trained him to do, and if you did not know the horse you would have no way of knowing these commands. For instance, a new rider tried to get this little horse to cross the river and if you gave him his head to drink, he would just lay down right in the river. The poor rider would be soaked! If you went to call the horse from the carrel, it would trot to the far end and play the "i will not come anywhere near you game" all day, until you picked up a club and threatened to beat it. Then, this being proper signal, a sign of being beat, it would know it could trust the caller. Grandpa sort of inherited this little horse when Royal went to War during World War II. He was lost in a field battle, and Grandpa found out one of his closest friends and family members was killed in action while he was in boot camp. It was a hard memory for him, but he spoke so proudly of his days with Royal, and all the trouble they could get into.
Grandpa told me about his first few dogs, one he raised from a pup, but he could not have in the house because his mother wouldn't let him. The pup had to stay in the barn. The dog was hit by a car and Grandpa had to try and save him, and due to complications, the pup could not make it so Grandpa Llyod had to take care of the pup because Grandpa did not have the heart. They never spoke of it after.
His next dog, really followed commands, and was proving to be a great cattle dog. His Uncle wanted to take Grandpa's new dog on the cattle drive and grandpa let him. The poor pup was cornered by a cow and she trampled him. They returned to camp with out his dog, and Ray (my grandpa) and Grandpa Lloyd (great grandfather) had to go out looking for him. They found him pretty beat up, and he was never the same, mostly scared of cattle after that incident. Grandpa would never let his uncle take his dogs out again.
I would be so sad if something happened to my pup. Banks certainly is not the working type, and he would be terrified at the first sight of a bull I bet, or he would be overly friendly and try to lick the bulls face and then we have more problems then necessary.
Banks is my first dog, and he is just lounging by the fire as I blog about some life things. He just wants to snuggle these days, have a good meal everyday, and would love with all his heart to chase the dear right outside the windows of my parents place. He did take off after them the other day and we didn't see him for at least 15 minutes. He just came trotting back to the house like a winning pony.
Twas a truly good time on the couch at Grandpa's today. He is such a wonderful man, I am so lucky to have him as my grandfather still to this day! I love love love him!!
- love Jo
3.18.2011
It has been a while: part II
Not only has it been a while since I posted, I feel like it has been a while since I have allowed myself to be alone with myself. So, I have decided to spend some quality time with me tonight. Me, myself, and I have become somewhat estranged, and I should probably change that. So, the big question is, what will it be? What am I going to do, other than blog. Perhaps my indecisiveness always holds me back from having a good time. Do I paint my toes? Do I paint my walls? Do I watch a movie? If so, which one? Do I watch a documentary? There was a time I entered the grocery store to purchase cereal, so I wandered the isles until I eventually found the isle devoted to cereal, felt overwhelmed by the choices, and left with nothing. Sure, this does not seem like a big deal, but shesh, that is what life is, one choice after another. This mundane grocery store scenario only demonstrated my uncanny ability to avoid decision making. This is not the best thing to discover about yourself, but probably important to be aware of. I also discovered when I do actually make a decision, it is rarely the best one for me, and it really smarts when you cannot even trust yourself to take care of yourself. That little voice is often times overwhelmed by the big impulsive one in my head, so I have to clear the floor for the little voice to be heard. Maybe blogging is my little voice?
Awesome Thought: I have five bananas that will be ripe soon. I am excited!
Strange Thought: My first grade teacher always referred to an exclamation point, as a surprise mark! I commend my parents for making us change schools.
Decisive Thought: I am going to put on one of my favorite movies, clean the crap out of my room, paint my toenails, edit some images I am excited to get to, retaliate against the ants who have started to invade my room, then read about upper paleolithic art. I think it will be a charming evening. (Look at those decision making skills, and I even turned down a hang out, now that is dedication).
love, jo
Awesome Thought: I have five bananas that will be ripe soon. I am excited!
Strange Thought: My first grade teacher always referred to an exclamation point, as a surprise mark! I commend my parents for making us change schools.
Decisive Thought: I am going to put on one of my favorite movies, clean the crap out of my room, paint my toenails, edit some images I am excited to get to, retaliate against the ants who have started to invade my room, then read about upper paleolithic art. I think it will be a charming evening. (Look at those decision making skills, and I even turned down a hang out, now that is dedication).
love, jo
3.12.2011
It has been a while
Dear Neglected blog,
I apologize I have not told you my thoughts in tons of time.
So here goes...
I suddenly felt so inspired to write something, as I normally do. I take that feeling of inspiration and I run it through my head, imaging the feeling of typing or blogging out my thoughts so they are right there in front of me, starring back at me, and the sensation I get when I just wrote something filled with honesty because you really should be honest with your self when you are writing. Sure you can avoid all these things balled up in endless corners of your body, but when you do actually have the balls to talk about them, you should be honest, at least that is just what I think. Well, thinking it does not make it so, unfortunately those perfectly thought thoughts rarely, if ever, make it to a pad of paper; not to mention, the computer. But I felt so inspired to just write what ever felt right to write. I have been considering the idea of growing up, as everyone does when they hit that age where they look around and they realize, "well shit" I guess I am not a kid anymore. Even If I look like one! Now there are all of these things called responsibilities, and it is quite invigorating and exciting to really start taking care of yourself... which is my potential plan, to just get it together, and make this thing happen. You know, getting over the Peter Pan Complex because adulthood has its perks. No one is here to tell me to not eat the chocolate haagen-dazs bar before I go to bed, although someone really should probably be regulating that. My weight is fine thank you very much. Which reminds me, I will now eat said chocolate haggen-dazs bar because I keep it classy. Typing is difficult while haagen-dazs is in the room, that bar demands attention, because as I just said, keeping it classy does come with some high maintenance issues.
News Flash:
I hear a small quaint voice saying my name from the room down the hall "Jordan" it says, "Jordan..." and I immediately smile to myself because I know Rachel is watching all the posters in her room dance on her wall, I gave her one of my sleep aids, and as it is her first time, the drug effects her a little differently than a seasoned veteran, such as myself. I walk in and she is hunched over with her bed spread clutched at her chin, she is tripping, and when I say tripping, it is so minor you can move and snap out of it...mostly. So I tell her to focus and watch the pretty pictures float around, I give her 3 1/2 minutes before she is zonked. Alas, she is not zonked, she is still very much awake, the force truly is strong with this one. She just described her state of being as watching an independent film where the horse is going to jump off the wall and then proceed to tell her the things she is doing wrong in her life, because it has spent the last year observing her and her decision making. I Would be there to defend her against Mr.Horse, and tell him she is only using her free will, and her free will is more important than some two dimensional horse (assuming she is not actually seeing him in 3 dimensional form) telling her what to do all the time. Then again, this coming from the girl who just dreamed up this literary vision because she is also tripping on sleeping pills. And on that note, one should say Good night.
Good night fair blog, sleep so safely and so deeply.
p.s. Rachel just had a crazy dream she just awoke from, something about sitting in a barn and being slapped with a "damn" fish. This sleep aid is not for the faint-hearted, but the courageous dreamers.
P.S.S. I ate two haagendazs bars, damn. I will be a little bummed about that when I wake up, but I feel no guilt right now. Just happiness and joy and joyness.
later lovers.
less than 3, jo
I apologize I have not told you my thoughts in tons of time.
So here goes...
I suddenly felt so inspired to write something, as I normally do. I take that feeling of inspiration and I run it through my head, imaging the feeling of typing or blogging out my thoughts so they are right there in front of me, starring back at me, and the sensation I get when I just wrote something filled with honesty because you really should be honest with your self when you are writing. Sure you can avoid all these things balled up in endless corners of your body, but when you do actually have the balls to talk about them, you should be honest, at least that is just what I think. Well, thinking it does not make it so, unfortunately those perfectly thought thoughts rarely, if ever, make it to a pad of paper; not to mention, the computer. But I felt so inspired to just write what ever felt right to write. I have been considering the idea of growing up, as everyone does when they hit that age where they look around and they realize, "well shit" I guess I am not a kid anymore. Even If I look like one! Now there are all of these things called responsibilities, and it is quite invigorating and exciting to really start taking care of yourself... which is my potential plan, to just get it together, and make this thing happen. You know, getting over the Peter Pan Complex because adulthood has its perks. No one is here to tell me to not eat the chocolate haagen-dazs bar before I go to bed, although someone really should probably be regulating that. My weight is fine thank you very much. Which reminds me, I will now eat said chocolate haggen-dazs bar because I keep it classy. Typing is difficult while haagen-dazs is in the room, that bar demands attention, because as I just said, keeping it classy does come with some high maintenance issues.
News Flash:
I hear a small quaint voice saying my name from the room down the hall "Jordan" it says, "Jordan..." and I immediately smile to myself because I know Rachel is watching all the posters in her room dance on her wall, I gave her one of my sleep aids, and as it is her first time, the drug effects her a little differently than a seasoned veteran, such as myself. I walk in and she is hunched over with her bed spread clutched at her chin, she is tripping, and when I say tripping, it is so minor you can move and snap out of it...mostly. So I tell her to focus and watch the pretty pictures float around, I give her 3 1/2 minutes before she is zonked. Alas, she is not zonked, she is still very much awake, the force truly is strong with this one. She just described her state of being as watching an independent film where the horse is going to jump off the wall and then proceed to tell her the things she is doing wrong in her life, because it has spent the last year observing her and her decision making. I Would be there to defend her against Mr.Horse, and tell him she is only using her free will, and her free will is more important than some two dimensional horse (assuming she is not actually seeing him in 3 dimensional form) telling her what to do all the time. Then again, this coming from the girl who just dreamed up this literary vision because she is also tripping on sleeping pills. And on that note, one should say Good night.
Good night fair blog, sleep so safely and so deeply.
p.s. Rachel just had a crazy dream she just awoke from, something about sitting in a barn and being slapped with a "damn" fish. This sleep aid is not for the faint-hearted, but the courageous dreamers.
P.S.S. I ate two haagendazs bars, damn. I will be a little bummed about that when I wake up, but I feel no guilt right now. Just happiness and joy and joyness.
later lovers.
less than 3, jo
3.01.2011
New Blog!
Hey there my loves, I apologize I almost never post here, but I have started a new photo blog that I will be updating frequently, and I would love it if you wanted to follow me there as well.
The site is...
www.jordanhuntingtonblog.com
Thank you!
Love, Jo
The site is...
www.jordanhuntingtonblog.com
Thank you!
Love, Jo
5.21.2010
THUNDERS
It is time to write something beautiful again, my heart is bursting today, and it feels good to let it. I felt the red return to my cheeks, the warmth that runs through them, so close to my smile. It is thundering outside, and the noise is sort of terrifying in a way that makes me want to live, and I just started dancing all over the house, and I was spinning in the living room, and it felt so good to be spinning, but in a way that helped my world stop spinning for a moment. Daisy just started dancing with me, she is scared of thunder too. "I know you want to stay in bed, but it's light outside." We fall so much, I feel like I fall everyday these days, and I skin and bloody my knees, and it feels okay, there is a change taking place, and it is just beginning, and it is hard to catch my breathe right now, because I just got so excited for it.
4.01.2010
my grandmother
she is beautiful. she is strong. she is safety. she glows. she is home.
she is always inside my heart
2.19.2010
2.18.2010
2.17.2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
